Pain
by Quinn.Windsor
Summary: A journal of Tobias', beginning the day after the catastrophe in Allegiant. I may turn this into another story.
1. Chapter 1

Day 1

Most men, when asked what their personal hell would be like, answer similarly. They describe a fiery, desolate cavern, eternally engulfed in flames. The tortured moans of desparing souls fill the air as they are whipped by Satan himself.  
My personal hell differs from theirs. My hell is eerily similar to every day life. In fact, one could argue that it is one thing has changed from yeste-  
rday to today, but it has thrown me into the depths of my own hell. You see, when people lose someone, they normally grieve, but are able to cope with the pain, and with time, it fades. I am different.  
I had never loved before, until the day a gray blur literally dropped into my life. My life prior to that moment had prevented me from loving anybody. I suffered abuse and neglect at the hands of my father, and abandonment at the hands of my mother. I transferred factions to escape my father.  
And in the two years since, I had changed. One would argue for the better, but I disagree. I hadn't changed for better or worse, really. I could now fight, and kill if necessary. But I was still uncapable of the most basic forms of affection known to most humans.  
And then she fell. A Stiff, the first jumper. I watched as a grey blur landed on the net, and bounced. I was instantly annoyed, as I despised the Abnegation for doing nothing as my father abused me for 16 years.  
And then she turned, and my heart skipped a beat. I looked into her eyes, and for a reason I still do not know, I fell in love. I fell in love with a petite blond girl from Abnegation.  
I reached for her hand, already desperate for contact, and as I grasped it a shock ran through my body. Warmth blossomed in my chest, a foreign feeling to me.  
I grabbed her by the waist, and set her down in front of me. Her head came up to just above my chin, and I looked down at her.  
I asked her her name, not only because I had to, but I wanted to know. I wanted to know everything about this girl I had never seen before, although she did seem a bit familiar.  
"Tris," she said, and I smiled. I yelled over my shoulder to announce that Tris was the first jumper, and as I looked into her eyes, I said "Welcome to Dauntless."

The days following choosing day were tough for me. I tried to deny to myself that I already had feelings for someone, and one of my initiates at that. I couldn't do it I would watch her everywhere she went, every move she made mesmerizing me. I told Zeke about her, how she was small but quick, how she could win if she got the first hit. Zeke would just smirk at me and shake his head. And when we climbed the Ferris wheel together, that was the night I decided to devote myself to her. It wasn't the easiest decision, because before meeting Tris I had never felt anything for anyone. That night, I made the single best decision of my life.  
And I knew that she felt for me too, but not to what extent. I felt like although I barely knew her, I could trust her with my deepest secrets. So, I did just that. I brought Tris through my fear landscape.  
I chuckle, remembering when she told me her heart wasn't racing because of the box, and I knew that she really loved me back. Fast forward.  
The Dauntless are under a simulation, aimed to accomplish two things: annihilate the Abnegation, and expose the Divergent. I play the part of a mindless soldier. I line up with everyone else, my eyes searching for Tris, but I can't see her anywhere, and I panic. I wonder if she's been caught, but I dispel the thought right away.  
I know that Tris is too smart for that to happen.  
And when I am on the train, I feel a small hand intertwine its fingers with mine, and relief floods me. Fast forward.  
I am under a simulation, controlling the simulation that has seized control of the Dauntless. I am unaware; I think I am shutting it down. The simulation reverses the affect everything has on me. It turns my friends into enemies, my enemies into friends.  
And a girl enters the computer room. I attack her, put a gun to her head, but her eyes delve into mine. Her hand touches my chest, and I snap out of the simulation. It is Tris. She alone could bring me back to reality.  
We escape the Dauntless compound, and flee to Amity.  
Fast forward.  
After being attacked multiple times, put under truth serum, and countless arguments, Tris and I are back at the Dauntless compound. A simulation has been activated in three Dauntless members, who are being used to relay a message from Jeanine Matthews: send a Divergent to Erudite headquarters. I consider going myself, but banish the thought. I couldn't do that to Tris.  
Fast forward.  
I wake up at 3:30 AM, and reach for Tris. She is not there. At first I think she is in the bathroom, but then I wake up fully, and I realize what she has done.  
She has left to Erudite headquarters.  
Fast forward.  
Tris's execution has been moved to today. I touch her hand through a small window, and watch as she walks away. I break down, and fall to the ground.  
Peter carries Tris through the door, and I gasp. She is limp in his arms, and I think she is gone.  
Peter tells me she is only paralyzed, and I sigh in relief. We fight our way out of Erudite, and escape. Fast forward.  
I break into Jeanine's laboratory to destroy the computers, and Tris is there. With Marcus. The man who destroyed me, and my mother.  
She begs me to believe that she was here for a reason, that she is not a traitor, but it's hard. I am furious, and heartbroken. But despite that, I still trust her.  
And Caleb, Tris's brother, who is the sole reason for her capture and near-execution, assists me in finding the video.  
We release the video, and I realize that Tris was right. I smile and shake my head.  
Fast forward.  
We leave Chicago, as the Allegiant. We make our way to the Bureau of Genetic Welfare, which turns out to be just as corrupt as Chicago. I want to leave with Tris, and never come back. I am told that I am genetically damaged, and Tris is genetically pure. I form a plan to attack the "genetically pure", resulting in Uriah being put in a coma.  
Tris almost leaves me, almost kills me.  
Fast forward.  
We spend the night together, making love for the first time, and what I don't know to be the only time. The next day, we split. I am to go back to Chicago, and negoti-  
ate with Evelyn, Marcus and Johanna.  
I succeed, and we head back.  
Fast forward. To hell.  
I arrive, and Christina and I find Cara. She looks troubled.  
I ask her where Tris is, beginning to worry. Tris should be with her; everything should be fine.  
And she tells me. David shot her. Twice.  
She is gone. Forever.  
And I come undone.


	2. Day 2

Day 2

Dear Beatrice,

It's hard. Harder than I ever imagined. It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to, and I have to do this until the day I die.  
Not only is living without you hard; it's unbearable. I can't... cope, Tris. I miss you. Why did you have to leave me so soon? Why couldn't we have a life together, like we planned? Get married, and have beautiful children? Don't you want that?  
I'll never know, Tris. Because you left me. And now I can never feel your hands in mine, your lips brushing mine. I will never again feel the slip of your nose as we pull out of a kiss. A kiss I guess I took for granted. But despite how much I hate this, the pain and suffering you're leaving me with, I cannot hate you. I can't do it. You left your mark on me, permanently. I'll be a different person for the rest of my life, because of you. A different person without you. I'm alone, now,  
I will never be able to move on. My love and my heart are forever yours. I wish you would come back and take them. I will never be able to be with another woman. I can't. I devoted myself to you, and the fact that you're gone doesn't change that. It'll never change. I'm still yours and you are still mine. Forever, and always. Christina and Cara told me that it gets easier to cope with time. And I think they may be right, in their case. But not for me.  
Each day will be just as hard, if not harder than the last. And for you, I'll bear it. I promise. I have to do this, for you.  
I'll always be waiting. And someday, when death takes me, I hope you will take me in your arms again, in whatever comes after this life.  
I love you.

Yours truly,  
Tobias Marcus Eaton 


	3. I'm sorry

I'm sorry.  
I really am. It's been a while since I updated anything, so I'm posting this on all three of my stories. I've been crazy busy, with Christmas and studying for diplomas and relationship and blah blah blah. I know it's a lame excuse buuuuuuut I'm giving it anyways. I'm having an incredibly hard time writing anything at all lately. Every time I try I just come up blank. I've hit the deepest ditch of my short author's career so far and it's difficult to get out of. Please, please, please give me tips on how to overcome writers block.  
Also, if you have any ideas or you want to see anything happen in my stories, please let me know. I'd gladly use your ideas and give you full credit. Lastly. It'd be such an incredible experience to co-write a story with one of you guys. If anybody is up for writing a story with me, PM me and we can definitely talk about it.  
So, yeah. one of my many New Year's resolutions is to get back on track with my fanfictions. I also have yet another one in the works, a modern day with a bit of a TFioS twist (but it's not exactly the same.) If you want a sneak peak at the first couple chapters, I'll show whoever wants to see.  
Again, I'm so so so so soooooooo sorry for not updating in forever. Please forgive me. 


	4. Day 6

Day 6

There's not really much to do here, especially when there's nobody to do it with. All day I've been walking around. I went outside, and there's snow everywhere. In some places, it's three feet deep. Everything is white, and desolate. The world seems empty.  
It reminds me of myself. Cold, empty, unfeeling. I feel as though there's a constant blizzard inside of me, and I'm always frozen. My edges are razor sharp shards of ice, eaten away by the howling winds of grief. I don't hear when people try to speak to me. I don't talk, don't feel, don't hear. I just exist. And even that is a struggle. Every second is a struggle. I can't believe she's gone. I don't understand why God chose her, of all people, to take away from this Earth. Why did he choose Tris, alive, energetic, full of life and love? Why couldn't he take Peter, or Caleb? Or David?  
I'll never know the answer. There probably isn't one. After walking around the compound, I came back here. Nobody's been in the dormitory since Tris died, maybe because they can feel her energy here more than anywhere else. Except the hotel room where we spent our last night together.  
I haven't been able to build up the courage to visit that room yet. I don't know if I ever will. It seems too surreal, as though none of this has really happened, but in the next day or so it'll hit me. And now I'm sitting here, writing. I don't really even know who the fuck I'm writing to, because Tris can't read it, and I sure as hell wouldn't let anybody else. I think it's just a way of attempting to get my feelings out, because words can't do this hell justice. I'm sorry if the words are a bit blurry; the ink is getting smudged by my tears. Maybe Caleb can fix it. He's smart, after all. Smart enough to let Tris go in instead of him, because he probably knew he'd get killed. Maybe he thought he'd survive, but I doubt it. I don't write every day. Most days there's nothing to write, unless I wrote "pain" a thousand times over, which still wouldn't help. I guess that's all I really have to say. I hate this. I hate how I feel. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't want to live, I don't want to see, I don't want to breathe.  
I don't want to exist.  
But I have to. I know Tris would want me to live my life without her, and move on, and maybe the first can happen, but I will never be able to forget her. I'll never be able to be with someone like I was with her. She took my heart with her. And that's fine with me. 


End file.
